so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
