Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
