I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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