one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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