ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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