Kareoke will never be a sober sport
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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