I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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