my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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