Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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