I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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