How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
