I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
