So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
