Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
