I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
this is an emotional support booty call
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
