dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
