I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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