his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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