i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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