You're my little dorito
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
