I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
