You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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