dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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