i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
