this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
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