if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
