He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
