I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
