I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
