her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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