Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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