i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
