Who wears a wallet chain?!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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