be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
