I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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