I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
