Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
