I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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