What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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