apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
