I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
