What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize