All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
