his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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