My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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