I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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