we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
