i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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