FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
