I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
